"Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.

"The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives."

"If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1"."

"Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon."

"Jack Bauer's sperm come in 9mm, .40, and 12 gauge slug."

"When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer."

"Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt."

"If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice."

"Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer. "

"Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair."

"Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through."

"...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here.""

"Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone."

"When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload."

"Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk."

"If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef."

"When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back."

"You can tell how much Jack Bauer likes you by how far above your kneecap he shoots you."

"It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed."

"Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that."

"James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor."

"Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first."

"Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was."

"Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours."

"Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a fucking terrorist."

"Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys."

"Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away."

"Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow."

"The Dinosaurs laughed at Jack ..."

"Every person in authority who has ever decided Jack Bauer is wrong and a loose cannon who needs to be arrested is dead. Coincidence? I think not."

"There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot."

"The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you."

"Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer. "

"Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers."

"When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24...""

"Jack's friend Chase once said that he loved Kim Bauer. Jack then killed a bunch of terrorists to try and calm down. After running out of terrorists, Jack told Chase he had no other choice and chopped off his arm with a fire axe."

"Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because he's a pussy."

"A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walked into a bar... and Jack Bauer is going to find out why..."

"Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars."

"Jack Bauer doesn't dodge bullets. Bullets dodge Jack Bauer."

"Jack Bauer doesn't drink honey, he chews bees."

"Every time you maturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists."

"Jack Bauer's poker face is so good he once won a game of poker with monopoly money, an eight card from uno, a joker, a visa card, a tissue, and an iPod nano."

"Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite is violet, not because its pretty but because it sounds like violent."

"Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants."

"If Jack Bauer was out in a room with three terrorists and one bullet, he would kill the terrorists and walk out with one bullet. Jack Bauer doesn't need bullets."

"Jack Bauer doesn't get an erection, he sets up a perimeter in his pants."

"Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car."

"Jack Bauer wears aviator sunglasses as a courtesy to the Sun so it doesn't have to look into his eyes."

"Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it. "

"Jack Bauer doesn't smile very often. But when he does, you damn well better smile with him."

"Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes."

"When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out."

"Not only is Jack Bauer on a first name basis with Death, Jack has slept with his sister and covers for him when he goes on holiday."

"Popeye eats spinich and throws the can away. Jack Bauer throws the spinich away and eats the can."

"Jack Bauer played chicken with a train, and won."

"Jack Bauer watched the tape from The Ring. Its been 37 days now and that long haired little brat still hasn't turned up."

"Jack Bauer doesn't have a shadow. He noticed that the shadow was sneaking on him and Jack tortured it to death."

"If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked."

"Jack doesnt have to touch his dick when he masturbates, he just looks at his penis and says "You've read my file, you know what im capable of" skeet skeet."

"Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer once got into a fight, the event is commonly known as the Big Bang. If you want to know who won, just ask yourself when was the last time you saw a new episode of Walker Texas Ranger?"

"The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill."

"After the nuclear apocalypse, all that will be left is five cockroaches and Jack Bauer"

"Jack Bauer caught all the Pokemon."

"Time waits for no man, unless that man is Chuck Norris. Death waits for everyone, unless Jack Bauer happens to show up at his door. Then Death crawls under his bed and starts to cry."

"The only correct answer to the question, "Who's your daddy?" is "Jack Bauer". No matter who you are."

"At last years Christmas party, Jack Bauer brought the punch. Nobody survived."

"Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed."

"In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?"

"In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes.""

"If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina."

"Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him."

"Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit"

"When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm."

"Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice."